Funny stuff

So, recently I have a had a number of truly fabulous ER quotes. I thought I would share some of them... some may be funny, some may not...

"well, we come here 'cuz you got doctors good here, yo." Patient's primary language: English.

"Why are you putting in a breathing tube? He fell and his pinky hurts."
-- family of a stridorous patient being intubated for respiratory distress.

me: "are you pregnant?"
patient: "no..."
"you're pregnancy test is positive."
"I'm on birth control!"
"well, amazing things ARE happening here."
"huh?"
"Pee in the cup again."

"well, the blood transfusion raised your hemoglobin from 3 to 6."
"great! so you don't need to admit me anymore?""no..."
"so, one more unit and it will double again and then I'm ok?"
"uh, no. It doesn't really work like that. You're still bleeding. Which is generally considered bad."

"Why do I need surgery? It's just a stab wound."
"You cut the artery. That's why the blood was pumping out."
"so, you can't just give me stitches?"
"no."
"fuck."
Charge nurse: "here's your cell phone. call your mother." (patient's scowls, charge nurse raises an eyebrow and shakes the phone, patient takes phone)